The last few weeks I have been extremely busy booking flights, airbnb, and cinematographers for an upcoming shoot the end of June and low and behold I had to cancel the whole entire shoot. I am still gong to try to shoot some pick ups and call it a day and start editing what I have.
I bought my mother a ticket to come to NYC and she cancelled coming. I asked her about four times was she good on coming and even went over the times so she wouldn't be inconvenienced but she claimed she wasn't feeling well and won't be feeling well in a few weeks. I wish I could have a clear moment like Ms. Cleo and know what the future held in weeks to come. It shouldn't bother me because this isn't the first time she has cancelled plans on coming to see me. I think me asking her to cosign for a car and she really didn't want to be interviewed had a large part to play with her cancelling. My step Dad Bill was open and honest and said I don't think he would be able to do it which I appreciated the honesty. My mother I think wasn't completely honest and because she didn't want to do it in the first place was easy for her to cancel. I can't help to say to myself that was the last time I go out and purchase a ticket for her because I honestly don't want to go through this ever again. I am sure my mother doesn't realize the emotional rollercoaster she puts me through when she cancels plans that I make to spend time with her. When I was a child she use to promise to come see me at my grandmothers or promise to come and get me from someone's house and then wouldn't show. I think when she does this it send me back to my adolescent years of disappointment with her and then I feel like I can't trust her. I am not sure why I resort to those formative years whenI have forgiven her what she did in the past I guess it brings that feeling back of mistrust and it makes me have anxiety. I love my mother dearly she is quite a woman and I wouldn't have it any other way. I just have to digest it and know that is just her being herself and when people tell you who they are listen. My mother may have not intended to cancel and may honestly had a great explanation though not feeling well and expecting to not to feel well in a few weeks makes me wonder...
I think some of us have fear of what we don't know. My mother had a fear of me asking her questions she wasn't ready to answer. When you talk about rape folks already have a weird feeling about the conversation. My mother may have had insecurities about how she felt when she was informed I was raped. I think she may even feel guilty in some retrospect and it's not her fault. I know I felt like it was my fault and it wasn't but I will never know why she decided to not come. Though she offered to pay the ticket back because it was non-refundable I appreciate it. She just didn't realize how much work I put into assembling the shoot. I feel like it's time to wrap up the film because I can't keep chasing my mother down to get her on film. She really doesn't understand how important this was for me to have closure and for her to not have guilt about this situation. Though this has been a disappointment I will not allow it to distract me.
It seems like there are many disappointments happening all at once. First my mom cancelling her trip, second, my health my sciatica nerve had me in the hospital, third my car had to take it to the shop and the mechanic believes its my axle which is like $750 for one not sure if both have to be replaced. Needless to say I have about $1.79 in my account and I can't even work if I wanted to because they prescribed me oxycontin at Highland Hospital. I feel so overwhelmed and with no money to pay your bills I am starting to feel anxiety.
No need for me to be depressed I will apply to all the temp agencies again and start working next week a temp job till I get this car back on its wheels. Hopefully I can find a gig that doesn't require a lot of labor and will pay the immediate bills like phone and insurance. I am also applying for jobs anywhere I can get hired, that may push school back another year. Not sure right yet if I am going to go back because I still have a few schools that have some interest in me attending.
I have tenacity = tenacidad = the fact of being determined.
The Filmstress was here...